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What comes to mind when you think of the term “intimacy”?

Most people desire intimacy, but I think most of us haven’t quite fleshed out the meaning of “intimacy” and what intimacy looks like in our lives. In fact, when people think about the term “intimacy,” what most commonly comes to mind is sex. However, while sex is an arena where intimacy can happen, sex is not intimacy. Intimacy goes well beyond sex.

Intimacy is a mutual process that happens between 2 or more people, in which each person is unconditionally and whole-heartedly accepting of the other’s vulnerability, NO MATTER each person’s dark sides, short-comings, imperfections, and history. Intimacy is an act of true, unconditional love and connection… and the mark of a healthy relationship. When I say “relationship,” I mean all kinds of relationships (e.g., romantic relationships, marital relationships, friendships…)

In the midst of true intimacy, we feel totally exposed and vulnerable (aka TERRIFIED!) and yet comfortable and safe at the same time. In other words, we feel like we can let our guards down and be seen, but this is simultaneously scary, especially at first. Over time, this terrifying feeling dies down as we develop a safe, secure companionship if we allow ourselves to go with it.

It is during this initial vulnerable-intimacy stage that anxiety comes in. Anxiety will try to drive a wedge into the process and make you sabotage the relationship with doubts and fears. For most people, true intimacy is uncharted territory because it is so rare. It’s rare because we spend most of the time trying to armor up against the vulnerability that leads to intimacy. We armor up because we’re afraid that others will use our vulnerability against us (an act that is truly one of the most cruel). Therefore, it’s only natural that our anxiety would start sounding off the alarms to protect us. Anxiety is just doing its job as usual.

I would encourage you not to rob yourself of intimacy out of fear. Intimacy is a God-given right that we all deserve. Intimacy allows us to grow, change, and transcend and help others grow, change, and transcend in return. Yes- it’s a risk like most worthwhile things in life, and it hurts deeply when intimacy is betrayed, but it is well worth it when you find intimate connections that change your life for the better. Let your anxiety be and practice the courage to lean into the vulnerability of intimacy, a process I call “anxious intimacy.”

That being said, intimacy is a sacred process that should not be indiscriminately practiced with just anyone. Sometimes, in our own craving for intimacy, we seek it in false places, and we open ourselves up to feeling cheap, cheated, betrayed, taken advantage of, and empty. We increase the chances that it won’t be received and reciprocated. I’m about to use what I call “a good should…” Intimacy should only be practiced with those who have earned the right to have your vulnerability.

Don’t rush intimacy, and use your experience to gradually gauge others’ worthiness of sharing your vulnerability. What I mean by that is… Start with giving them an inch of your vulnerability and, if the coast is clear, give them another inch and so on… If someone has demonstrated that they can’t handle an inch or two of your vulnerability, they aren’t worthy of it. Maybe that person is worthy of someone else’s vulnerability, and that’s ok.

Bottom line, you are inherently worthy and deserving of intimacy. Practice Anxious Intimacy— the courage to allow intimacy in your life with or without the anxiety alarm bells. And practice intimacy with those who have earned the right to receive that precious, God-given gift from you.

 

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

 

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

I’ve recently noticed that anxiety in the context of relationships has been a theme for people in my life lately, inspiring me to write on this very important subject this week.

There are many different ways that we can experience anxiety in relationships. We may have anxiety about the well-being of those we care about. We may have anxiety about being liked or loved by others, belonging with others, connecting with others. We may have anxiety about the judgement, evaluation, and opinions of others. We may have anxiety about being rejected, betrayed, abandoned, hurt, or taken advantage of…

Holy smokes! If you think you don’t have anxiety about relationships, think again. Relationships are such a pervasive aspect of our lives. Unless you’re a sociopath or robot, it would be almost impossible not to have some level of anxiety about some aspect of relationships. In fact, anxiety about relationships can be pretty amorphous if we feed it and let it take over.

I could write an entire book on this subject alone, so I’m not even going to be able to scratch the surface in addressing all of the relationship-anxiety issues in this little blog post today. But my hope is that I can at least address a broad scope of relationship-anxiety problems I commonly see.

Why do we have anxiety about relationships? Well, evolutionarily, as human beings, we’re pack animals, just like dogs, apes, and lions. On a primitive level, belonging and being loved by others serves a survival purpose for us. If you think back to the cave-man and cave-woman days, being ostracized from the protection of the clan literally meant death! This is why we experience feelings like empathy, love, and compassion. But this is also why we experience anxiety in relationships that don’t feel solid and secure. I think having this understanding is crucial for coping with relationship-anxiety. Have grace with yourself by understanding that these feelings are natural, and there’s nothing wrong with YOU for having them.

Just like any other anxiety problem, it’s not the anxiety itself that’s the real problem, it’s our response to the anxiety. Relationship-anxiety goes awry when we feed our relationship fears beyond reason and attempt to control relationship outcomes that can’t be controlled. We can do our best to develop adaptive social skills and communication skills that maximize the outcomes we’re hoping for, but we can’t directly control others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We can’t make others love us, we can’t make others understand us, and we can’t make others think a certain way about us. When we get bogged down in this, we ironically stifle our authenticity and make it more difficult for those who truly love and accept us to gravitate to us. In other words, you get what you put out there. If you’re not being authentic or you’re hiding your authentic self, then you’ll never attract the people who really care about YOU. You’re attracting people who care about your act.

The same goes for our established relationships. Sometimes we get stuck in relationships that make us unhappy because the alternative seems worse… or maybe there is a history of the relationship that you’re having trouble letting go of… Relationships are not black and white. They have a lot of grey areas. This is why I always say:

“Never invest more in another person than they are willing to invest in YOU.”

I realize that for some people this can seem cruel and it might even go against your beliefs or society’s beliefs about love (i.e., that love means caring for others more than yourself). But when you invest more time, thought, emotion, and care than the other person, that is a recipe for relationship dissatisfaction and unhappiness—not only for YOU but also for the other person. When you invest more in the other person than they invest in you, you will eventually become resentful of the other person and that resentment will come out in unhealthy ways (e.g., lashing out at the other person, saying or doing deeply hurtful things to the other person).

Plus! If you don’t want the other person in this relationship to suffer what you are suffering, why would you want that for yourself?

This does not mean that you must completely brake all ties with the other person. It does not mean that you must hate them. You can still have gratitude for the relationship, set reasonable expectations, and keep a healthy distance.

This is not about you selfishly getting what you want either. This is about you standing up for your self-worth. When you tie your self-worth to others and the outcomes of your relationships, your self-worth will be wavering and fragile. Practicing self-compassion and healthy boundaries in relationships enhances your self-worth and, therefore, your ability to show up in your relationships. And when this process is mutual… WOW…  Now that is an exceptional relationship that we all inherently deserve. And it is possible! It does not have to be this rare, mystical thing that will never happen for you.

So to recap the take-home messages of today’s blog…

• Practice grace with your relationship anxiety.
• Practice balanced, realistic beliefs about control in relationships.
• Practice authenticity to attract people who truly care about YOU.
• Practice gauging your investments in others based on how much they invest in you.
• Practice self-compassion to promote healthy boundaries in your relationships.

I say “practice” because these processes are easier said than done, and we do not learn them over night. They take much time, effort, and practice to become habit. Now, have the courage to seek out exceptional relationships!

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

Last week, I discussed the topic of perfectionism. This week, I am going to discuss perfectionism’s nemesis and antidote, self-compassion…

Self-compassion is a concept that was developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Self-compassion is the practice of being unconditionally kind to oneself despite one’s imperfections and shortcomings. It is acknowledging the fact the we are all in the same boat in that we’re all coming up short in some way. Self-compassion is embracing this notion of shared humanity and humility and seeing the true beauty in it.

For some people, when they hear this, they immediately have the concern that self-compassion means being too easy on yourself… But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Self-compassion also encompasses being real with yourself AND constructive and encouraging. Self-compassion is NOT letting yourself off the hook. For example, let’s say you binge eat 2 large pizzas by yourself. Self-compassion is NOT telling yourself, “Oh, it’s ok. I love myself anyway.” Self-compassion is telling yourself, “I love myself anyway AND I want a healthier life for me because I deserve it. I am going to eat healthier so I don’t slowly kill myself.”

Another concern people commonly have about self-compassion is that self-compassion = selfishness. This also couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, many people struggle with an imbalance of caretaking—that is, many people tend to take care of others more than they take care of themselves, leading to a great deal of burnout and health problems. However, research indicates that when we take care of ourselves, we actually care for others more effectively and authentically. I can vouch for this with my own personal experience, but don’t take my word for it. I encourage you to use your own experience as evidence. When YOU take care of yourself and your batteries are recharged on a regular basis, is it easier or harder for you to take care of others? It just makes sense. So don’t buy into the limiting belief that self-compassion is selfish.

Self-compassion has many benefits. There is a great body of research supporting self-compassion in enhancing resilience, well-being, motivation, productivity, self-esteem, and more. Yet, we struggle to engage in self-compassion. Self-compassion takes hard work and building effortful habits!

Why is this? Well, we are wired to have a negative bias in our thinking. When you are walking in the woods, how important is it that you are able to tell the difference between a snake and a stick? This is why the negative bias exists within us. It helps us determine threat quickly for survival purposes. But we unfortunately tend to apply this process to our sense of well-being and sense of self. We are wired to pay more attention to our shortcomings and flaws and, instead of viewing them with mindful constructiveness, we view them with shame and fear that others will find us out. The negative bias is natural. Working against the negative bias takes effort.

So how do we work against this negative bias and practice self-compassion?

There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Self-compassion for me may look very different than self-compassion for you. For me, self-compassion is giving myself affirmations, accepting compliments from others, recounting what I accomplished during the day versus what I did not accomplish, carving out times of solitude multiple times per week, reading personal growth books, and eating a little chocolate-something once per day. I could list so much more… It has taken me years to discover the plethora of ways I can be self-compassionate.

Other self-compassion practices include self-compassion meditations (e.g., meditating on your strengths and aspirations). Dr. Neff has great, free self-compassion meditations online that you can find with Google. There are also self-compassion yoga practices. It is also helpful to journal to yourself from the perspective of a kind friend who cares for you unconditionally. If you are a person of faith, view yourself with the unconditional love that God has for you. Practice empathy with your shortcomings in a way that builds you up and motivates you to keep working toward your values and goals.

In reading this, you might think these small acts seem… well… small… and even insignificant. But these small acts truly add up and make a huge difference in well-being and stress-management. Take it from someone who has lived life with and without self-compassion. Stress is almost impossible to manage if you are not kind and gracious with yourself on a regular basis. Furthermore, if you are a perfectionist or recovering perfectionist, self-compassion is the only antidote.

Self-compassion is a courageous act. This week (and for the rest of your life!), I encourage you to practice at least one self-compassionate act each day. Just like any new habit, this might be difficult at first, especially if you have an ingrained habit of being hard on yourself, but it gets easier and more natural over time with practice.

 

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

 

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of imperfection. Center City, Minnesota: Brene Brown.

Neff, Kristin. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.

Perfectionism is an anxiety-and shame-based process. Perfectionism is an addictive, self-destructive process of trying to reach unrealistic, unreasonable standards for one’s self-image. It is driven by an unrelenting fear of not being enough—That is, not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, not being thin enough, not being accomplished enough, not being a good enough friend, daughter/son, parent, and so on… It’s really a fear of not being worthy enough as a person.

Perfectionism is on a continuum, and we are all on the continuum somewhere, though different people may attach their perfectionism to different things.

I myself am a life-long, recovering perfectionist… Though I have made great strides in overcoming perfectionism, it still takes ongoing effort to let go of my perfectionistic standards and tendencies.

My perfectionism started in childhood, when I was diagnosed with a slew of learning disabilities, or “differently abilities” as some people, including myself, prefer to call them. But these “different abilities” were not immediately obvious or visible. I was diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder, a learning disability in math, a learning disability in language, and a disordered central auditory processing system in the brain. As a result, I had to work 3 times as hard as my peers to be on the same level playing field in school. I do not regret having these disabilities because they taught me to work very hard, to persevere no matter what, and to be thankful for the gifts and privileges I did and do have. I also take great pride in my persistence to overcome them and accomplish the things I have accomplished in my life…

But there was a darker side to them– a double-edged sword that led to many years of unrelenting, unsatisfying competition with myself. Getting a bachelor’s degree wasn’t enough, so I had to get a master’s. Getting a master’s degree wasn’t enough, so I had to get a Ph.D… I still remember how shocked I was when my now husband first told me he loved me. I remember that I found it hard to believe at the time because I had trouble truly loving myself unconditionally. I was constantly trying to prove to myself that I was enough, but I would later come to learn that there was no accomplishment that could do that for me. It had to come from within me. I had to learn to see my own inherent worthiness, flaws and all… A worthiness that does not require evidence or proof.

I only share this because I believe that we all have our own challenges and hurtles, and I believe that perfectionism is more common than many are willing to admit. Also, an intellectual definition of perfectionism does not adequately exemplify the true pain that underlies perfectionism. I hope that there is something in this piece of my story that you can relate to, especially if you are a current your recovering perfectionist yourself.

So how do we overcome perfectionism? Courageously lean into the anxiety and shame, and practice loving yourself unconditionally. Practice embracing your perfect imperfections and seeing the beauty that lies within them… Yes. This is of course easier said than done. It is a skill that does not happen overnight and can even take years to develop with constant practice. I will discuss this at greater length next week, but here are a few tangible pointers you can take with you to practice this week:

• Practice having the same grace with yourself that you have with others. When you see others experience courageous vulnerability, you are probably not as hard on them as you are on yourself. For example, when you see someone else trip and fall, you’re probably NOT thinking to yourself, “Wow! What a clutz. That person really needs to get their sh** together.” You are probably feeling empathy for them because you know that you have been there before. Practice this same grace and empathy with yourself.
• Laugh at yourself. I actually practice identifying funny imperfections about myself and, instead of being mean, I laugh endearingly at myself. Some examples of the imperfections I laugh at are the fact that when I cry, I make the most distorted face (haha it makes me laugh as I’m writing this even now). I laugh at how unbelievably uncoordinated I am. I laugh at how I’m so short, I have to literally climb or jump to reach things on the top shelf when I go shopping at the grocery store! Hahaha we all have funny imperfections like this. Practice giving yourself a loving laugh about them.
• Use your values as guides to strive for self-improvement, not perfection.
• Be constructive and encouraging toward yourself. We naturally tend to focus more on our shortcomings than our strengths. Sometimes, we use harsh criticism as a strategy to motivate ourselves to be better, but this strategy is ironically ineffective and discouraging. Give more attention to your positive moving progress every day rather than your shortcomings. As I always say…

“You don’t have to beat yourself down to build yourself up!”

In next week’s blog, I will discuss at length a practice called “Self-Compassion,” which research has shown to successfully combat perfectionism.

 

Until then,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

 

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, Minnesota: Brene Brown.

By now, many people who have set new year’s resolutions are likely struggling to keep up with them or, perhaps, have already given them up! For many of us, goal-setting is anxiety-provoking because it requires us to face the potential to fail and the potential to change. Ironically, many of us set our goals in a way that winds up setting us up for failure. For example, we may set goals that are unclear, undefined, unreasonable, and/or unmotivating. Or we may neglect to break down our goals into clear steps that are needed to attain them.

So I thought this would be a fitting time to introduce SMART goals—a way of setting up our goals that sets us up to persevere and succeed. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. According to cutting edge research, these 5 adjectives describe the most effective and motivating method of creating goals…

Specific

Make your goals SPECIFIC. Often times, we make goals that are vague, abstract, and unclear, such as “I am going to start working out” “I am going to be a better person” “I am going to make more money…” What do these aspirations mean to you? What would they look like to you if you translated them into action? What do you need to do specifically to bring them to fruition?…

How in the world can you achieve these goals if you’re not clear on what they look like in action and what they mean to you? How do you even know when you’ve achieved them? Make your goals as specific and clear as possible so that you can easily identify them once you’ve accomplished them. This will alleviate anxiety and help motivate you to keep moving forward with your goals. Examples of specific goals might be… “I am going to run 1 mile after work every day” “I am going to say something kind and encouraging to at least one person every day” “I am going to increase my sales by 10%.”

Measurable

Make your goals MEASURABLE and quantifiable so that you know the appropriate steps to take toward your goals and so that you can clearly identify when you have accomplished them. That is, put a number on your goals. How many? How often? How long? To what extent? Examples: “I am going to walk to the end of the block once per day this week”; “I am going to engage in a conversation for 5 minutes twice per day this week”; “I am going to reduce my smoking from 1 pack per day to a ½ pack per day until the 27th, at which point I will reduce my smoking to 1/3 pack per day.”

Attainable

Make sure your goals are reasonably ATTAINABLE. Don’t set unreasonably high or unfair standards and expectations on yourself. Give yourself tasks that you KNOW you can accomplish, and start there. Maybe you know you can’t write an entire book chapter in one day, but you know you can write one page in one day. Maybe you know you can’t run a whole mile today, but you know you can run to the end of the block today. Start there and work your way up! At least you’ll do SOMETHING rather than taking the all or none approach (e.g., If I can’t run a whole mile, then I might as well not run at all). For goodness sakes! Don’t sabotage yourself like that! Personally, I live by small goals, from the moment I get out of bed in the morning to the moment I go to bed at night. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t accomplish half the things I’ve accomplished in my life. Small goals add up and become big goals! There is no goal that isn’t good enough!

Also, don’t set goals that are out of your control, such as “I want to make others understand me/support me/like me” or “I want other people to buy my product.” When you make your goals depend on other people’s choices and feelings, you are setting yourself up to fail. It is ok to desire these outcomes, but frame your goals in terms of what is within your control. For example, “I am going to communicate clearly so that others can understand me better” “I am going to practice kindness in hopes that I connect better with others” “I am going to implement feedback from my target population to maximize the likelihood that people will buy my product.”

Realistic

Make sure your goals are REALISTIC. Giving yourself unrealistic goals is a recipe for self-sabotage. This may sound obvious, and yet we still have a tendency to set unrealistic goals. OR we set goals that may be realistic for others but not realistic for ourselves. Ask yourself what is truly realistic for YOU and be honest with yourself. Similar to before, maybe jogging every day is not a realistic starting goal for you, but simply putting your jogging clothes on is. Start there, and work your way up. Don’t compare your goals and accomplishments with others as well. Other people have different journeys, chapters, and hurtles. It is useless to set your goals based on others.

Remember the old adage by Loa Tzu:

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Be proud of your single steps!

Timely

Make your goals TIMELY. Set a measurable time frame for your goals so that you don’t leave room for yourself to procrastinate or slowly give up your goals. Give yourself a clear target date or deadline (e.g., “I will accomplish xxxx by 5:00pm today”).

 

I hope this discussion of goal-setting has inspired you and motivated you. Setting your goals in this way helps alleviate anxiety around uncertainty and potential failure and gives you greater agency over your goals. These skills also promote greater self-confidence and feelings of pride and accomplishment. I encourage you to re-evaluate your new year’s resolutions and make them SMART-er!

 

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

 

Another concept that frequently drives anxiety is the need for control. That is, this belief that…

If I don’t control it (whatever “it” is for you), everything will fall apart into chaos, and I won’t be able to handle it…

We could even go deeper with this…

If I don’t control it (whatever “it” is for you), I am unworthy and undeserving as a human being…

When we put these thoughts out on the table in this way, we might think, “Wow! That sounds extreme and absurd!” but, nonetheless, these are very common underlying and insidious thinking processes that fuel the need for control and, therefore, anxiety.

The need for control may attach to different things for different people. Some people attach this need to restricting their diet (e.g., limiting their food intake, giving themselves stringent food preferences). Some people create rigid rules for themselves, such as “My way is the only way,” “I must take this route and never that route,” “If it’s not done perfectly, then I failed.” Some people attempt to control by planning out every second of every day or arranging/ordering their environment in a specific way. Some people attempt to control their relationships by making others feel inferior or, on the other end of the spectrum, by making others feel comfortable at their own expense. Some people attempt to control their emotions by avoiding, suppressing, overeating, using substances, etc…

There are endless different forms of control. Pick your poison! We all attempt to control in one way or another to some extent…

I’m not saying that control is all bad. In fact, exercising moderate and reasonable levels of control is good and adaptive! It is not helpful to exercise complete helplessness, as if you have no agency or free will over your actions and life choices. Exercising some control can be confidence-building, motivating, problem-solving, and productive!

Control becomes a problem when it becomes a need and a must. Control becomes a problem when you put inflexible limits and rules on yourself and your life. Control becomes a problem when you try to control what cannot be controlled. And finally, control becomes a problem when you pin your self-worth to its success.

Just as it states in the serenity prayer…

“God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

Regardless of your religious/spiritual affiliation, this adage provides a powerful and helpful guide. Practicing this wisdom, serenity, and courage is very tricky, and it is a constant, lifelong, balancing act. Have grace with yourself here because none of us will ever get this perfectly. It’s like a pendulum that’s constantly swinging back and forth and never precisely hitting the middle mark for long.

Other tips for managing the need for control:

When you are struggling with control, ask yourself what it means to you if you are unable to control this thing or outcome. Chances are that you are being unreasonable with yourself- Just like the thoughts I cited at the beginning of this post. Give yourself an expectation that is reasonably within your control and give yourself grace for what is beyond your control limits.

Delegate, ask for help, and accept help when offered. This can be challenging when you are telling yourself the false narrative that you are the only one that can do the task right. Remember that this is the need for control talking. There is always something another person can help you with. And guess what- you are not a burden for doing so because the people who care about you will want to help you.

Embrace chaos and uncertainty when your control has reached its limits. The more you fight chaos and uncertainty (via control!), the more you will suffer and the weaker you will feel. You are stronger than you think, and you will come to know this when you embrace it.

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

In my last blog post, I discussed how anxiety tends to be future-oriented (i.e., What if-oriented). Anxiety is characterized by our tendency to try to predict, anticipate, and control/prevent the worst possible outcomes (e.g., failure, embarrassment, death, chaos, you name it!). But when we’re so wrapped up in our headspace working to control outcomes that we have limited control over, we disengage from the present, where life is actually happening in real time. In other words, we disengage from living.

When we’re talking about living in the present, what we’re actually talking about here is a concept called “Mindfulness.” The definition of mindfulness is:

Non-judgmental present moment awareness.

That is, mindfulness is the practice of attending to the present moment without judging it or trying to change it, control it, or alter it in anyway. It is simply allowing the present moment to be what it is.

Mindfulness has shown to be helpful for anxiety, depression, sleep, well-being, focus, memory, productivity, and more. We often times take on more suffering when we try to anticipate the future or dwell in the past. Mindfulness offers a direct way to alleviate this suffering and engage with the present where life is actually happening.

Said another way: Mindfulness is living with non-judgmental purpose and intention.

Many people, including myself, find that when they practice mindfulness, they are able to live life more fully and adjust more smoothly to life changes. Mindfulness is a direct way to embrace uncertainty and chaos.

How do we practice mindfulness? Well, there are a variety of ways to practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness Meditation:

Mindfulness meditation is the most common way to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness meditations can range in length anywhere between 3 minutes to an hour. I suggest that you start with smaller, shorter meditations and gradually increase them to your desired length. I personally prefer the 3 to 10 minute versions because that’s plenty of time to get the benefit, but some people enjoy longer sessions. You can find free mindfulness meditations on the internet by Dr. John Kabat-Zinn and Dr. Kristin Neff. There are also mindfulness meditation apps, including “The Mindfulness App,” “Calm,” and “Headspace.”

Environmental Anchors:

Another way to practice mindfulness is to find concrete things in your present environment that can anchor you to the present.

       Your Breath: Using your breath as an anchor is a great way to do this because your breath is always with you. It works by simply taking a moment to notice your breath and the sensations associated with it (e.g., the rise and fall of your belly, the temperature of your breath as it flows in and out of your nostrils or mouth).

       Sounds: My personal favorite anchor is sound. I take a moment to listen to the sounds I hear in the present (e.g., the air conditioner rumbling, people chatting down the hall, wind, cars driving outside) and this helps me get out of my head and re-anchor to the present moment.

       Your 5 Senses: One cool technique is to run through your 5 senses. For instance, what are you feeling, smelling, tasting, hearing, and seeing in this moment?

     3-Point Check: Another technique is the 3-point check: What are you 1) thinking, 2) feeling (physically and emotionally), and 3) doing in this present moment.

These are some small, helpful tools to get the ball rolling, but the real crux of mindfulness is about living with intention and purpose. Sometimes we get so entrapped in our minds that we lose sight of our intentions and purpose. Mindfulness helps us get out of our heads and back on track. What is truly important to you in this moment? Who do you really want to be in this moment? There are thousands of moments in a day. What do you want to do with them?

Mindfulness also helps us practice grace with ourselves because the nature of mindfulness is non-judgmental. Personally, I know there are sometimes when I have got so much going on in my mind that it takes everything in me to stay present and, even then, it can be wavering. There’s no need to get mad at myself for it. That just makes it even more difficult to be present. I just acknowledge it to myself—“Hey, I’m struggling to remain present in this moment (or in this season).” Somehow this validation takes the pressure off and makes it easier to manage.

Being still and present is something that the mind does not do well. It constantly wants to chatter and give commentary to everything we do, but it is not always helpful. Have grace with your mind and choose the commentary that is most helpful and meaningful to you.

I encourage you to try each of these mindfulness exercises this week and identify which ones work best for you in terms of getting out of your mind and back on track with your present values— A fitting task for promoting positive change this new year!

 

Until next time,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

 

References:

Barlow, D.H., Sauer-Zavala, S., Latin, H.M., Ellard, K.K., Bullis, J.R.,… Cassiello-Robbins, C. (2018). Unified protocol for transdiagnostic treatment of emotional disorders: 2^nd Ed. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Hayes, S.C. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life. Oakland, CA: New Harbor Publications, Inc.

The very nature of anxiety is future oriented. Biologically, anxiety motivates us to prepare for and anticipate future outcomes, whether it be a few moments in the future or years from now. Anxiety is characterized by the phrase, “What if?”

“What if I fail?” “What if I embarrass myself?” “What if I lose control?” “What if I don’t get it all done?” “What if I let down the people I care about?” “What if he/she abandons me?” “What if I’m not enough?”

When our brains are faced with problems and questions such as these, it can’t help but focus on them with a mighty tunnel vision in an effort to “solve” the problem. The very process takes us out of the present moment and gives us the illusion that we’re doing something to solve the problem. The dilemma is that these are not problems that can be “solved” in the brain like calculating a math problem.

In fact, this is a process that we call “Worry.” We often use worry as a strategy to feel as though we’ve got some kind of control over uncertainty. But the process of worry is futile when we’ve done everything we can do and the uncertainty still exists.

The thing is, uncertainty will always exist, these “What if’s” will always pop up in the back of our minds, and there is always a chance that they could come true IF WE SELF-SABATAGE AND FEED THEM. It hurts to shine light on these realities. I’d like to say the opposite—That there is no uncertainty, that the “What if’s” will go away, and that there’s no chance they could ever come true, but that would be telling a lie.

Uncertainty is a driver of anxiety and worry. I talk a lot about the power of changing your relationship with anxiety. Well, changing your relationship with uncertainty is another powerful way to change your relationship with anxiety. That is, learning to embrace uncertainty, especially after you have done all that is realistically within your control.

Even good ol’ Walt Disney said, “Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.”

“But how the heck do I embrace uncertainty?,” You may ask. First of all, use you’re your values as guides. Those “What if” questions up there are likely about a feared outcome that is in conflict with your values. Try to identify that value and take action accordingly. For example, if you are afraid of not being enough, what are the qualities that you value about yourself that remind you you ARE enough? Act in accordance with those qualities.

Following this, another trick that can be helpful is to flip your “What if’s” around. Instead of “What if I fail?,” say “What if I succeed?” Instead of “What if I embarrass myself,” say “What if I kill it?!” Instead of “What if I’m not enough,” say “What if I’m MORE than enough?!”

Second of all, engage in the present moment, where life is actually happening. Your anxiety will try to divert your attention to the future and to your “What if’s,” and that is ok. That is just what anxiety does. Acknowledge this process and anchor yourself to the present. What is happening around you in this moment? Who is with you? How can you make the present more meaningful with your values? Focusing on the present is not easy and takes practice and intention. In next week’s blog, I will discuss more tools for anchoring yourself to the present.

 

Until then,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

Throughout this blog, I have been giving snap shots into these 4 steps to overcoming anxiety and will continue to do so. This week, I thought it might be helpful to consolidate and define them in a more straightforward fashion…

1. Education and Awareness

When people come visit me in therapy, they’re often hoping that I’m going to give them some magic tools that will rid them of anxiety forever. However, this is a common misconception about anxiety—that anxiety can be “gotten rid of.” Anxiety is a natural part of us and a natural part of life. Anxiety can be temporarily muted by things such as alcohol, drugs, binge-eating, ignoring/suppressing, etc., but anxiety can never be “gotten rid of.” Plus, you wouldn’t truly want to live without anxiety because it benefits us in terms of survival and personal growth.

Education and awareness about anxiety are essential in helping us develop a healthy mindset and relationship with anxiety. When people come see me, they typically have a very unhealthy relationship with anxiety (e.g., “Anxiety is bad.” “Anxiety is ruining my life.” “Anxiety makes me weak.”). But when we own our anxiety and see it for what it is (i.e., a system that’s hard-wired into us to protect us from danger), then we can be empowered to work through it, overcome it, and channel it toward our goals and values.

While tools can be helpful for alleviating and working through anxiety, realistically, there are going to be times in life when there are not enough tools in the world that will make you feel all better with the snap of your fingers. Sometimes in life, we have to sit in a hard, anxious place and ride it out. You will be much more equipped to do so if you have a healthy relationship with anxiety—That is, acknowledging that it is ok to feel anxiety and having grace with yourself. Educating yourself about anxiety and raising your awareness of anxiety (e.g., your triggers, your thinking processes, how you experience anxiety) will empower you to build a healthy relationship with anxiety.

        2) Living by Your Values

In past blog posts, I have discussed at length the problems that arise when we intentionally or unintentionally prioritize avoidance of anxiety over our values. Values are important because they give us our “WHY.” Since anxiety is a part of life… What makes the anxiety worth it to you? What makes the stress of it all worth it to you? Our personal values can answer these questions for us.

If you have just started reading this blog, and you are wondering what values are and how to identify your own values, please see the previous blog post entitled, “An Introduction to values.”

      3) Practicing Courage

Remember courage is not the absence of anxiety. Courage is having anxiety and doing it anyway. If you live your life avoiding anxiety or fighting it tooth and nail, your anxiety will strengthen and you will become consumed by it. But if you acknowledge and own your anxiety and do what you want to do despite anxiety, YOU will strengthen and your life will be fulfilling. I encourage all to live a courageous lifestyle by challenging yourself to lean into anxiety each day in a way that is consistent with your values and goals.

     4) Tools and Ongoing Overcoming

Remember that overcoming anxiety is a life-long process. Over the course of this blog, I will discuss tools for the ongoing process of overcoming anxiety. Some of these tools will involve shaping a healthy mindset about anxiety and some will involve direct coping strategies for anxiety, such as mindfulness, self-compassion, self-care, and so on.

 

I hope this blog has been helpful for you, and I hope that you continue to follow me to learn and grow more!

 

Until next week,

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 830-500-5442

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com

In my last blog, I discussed the fear of failure, which commonly fuels anxiety. But there is another fear that is commonly at the core of anxiety, and that is the fear of anxiety itself.

As I’ve alluded to before, the actual experience of anxiety itself can range from mildly uncomfortable to absolutely excruciating. Sometimes, the feeling of anxiety is so strong and intense that we feel as though we are completely losing controls of ourselves. Because the feeling of anxiety if so deterring, people often become afraid of the experience itself. Thus, we again feel compelled to take the “Avoidance is the Best Policy” approach. If I avoid all situations that cause anxiety, then I will I’ll never have to feel anxiety.

The problem is, this approach simply does not work. It may work in the short-term, but in the long term, this actually amplifies and prolongs anxiety. For example, let’s say that you struggle with social anxiety. Skipping that party may initially give you relief and encourage you to continue skipping parties. But let’s say a time comes when you need to attend a party for a really important reason (e.g., your boss is requiring you to attend a work party or your friend expresses that he/she needs your support at a party). You cannot avoid parties forever and, when you get in a pattern of avoiding parties, your anxiety about parties will become stronger.

This can be applied to any source of anxiety. It is sort of like… When you haven’t worked out in a while, your muscles become weaker… When you haven’t worked with your hands in a while, your hands become softer… When you haven’t exposed yourself to germs in a while, your immune system becomes weaker… This is exactly how anxiety works. When you haven’t allowed yourself to feel anxiety in a while, you become more sensitive to it, and it becomes more challenging to manage.

Also, when we get sucked into a pattern of avoiding anxiety, we tend to feel worse about ourselves. We feel like a failure, we feel insecure, we feel under-confident, we feel unworthy, we feel flawed… Do not give credence to these unhealthy, untrue thoughts by avoiding.

But wait- there’s more! When we fall into the pattern of chronic avoidance, we also wind up prioritizing our fear of anxiety over our values. And I’m willing to bet that your values are more important to you than your fear of anxiety. For example, maybe you value your work, but your anxiety about getting work done prompts you to procrastinate. Maybe you value yourself and your message, but your anxiety about rejection or displeasing others prompts you to hide and hold yourself back. Maybe your anxiety about being a good parent prompts you to worry and question yourself to the point of disengaging with your kids.

When the fear of anxiety stands in the way of your values and goals, choose your values and goals over avoidance. Feeling anxiety is only uncomfortable and it is never the worst outcome. Anxiety is just a feeling and nothing more. You will get through it, and you will become stronger and more courageous.

Avoid anxiety, and you will stay the same. Embrace anxiety, and you will grow.

 

Have courage and kind wishes!

Tannah E. Chase, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

The Anxiety Counseling Clinic, P.L.L.C.

Website: www.anxietycounselingclinic.com

Phone: 234-256-0067

Email: Dr.Chase.T@gmail.com